That doesn't have to be the real you...

I felt I just had to write about this entry from the Batman Black&White graphic novels.

The little series is actually host to a bevy of solid stories.
( Batman Black&White.  Google it )

Anyway in this particular comic, Batman at last corners the man responsible for a series of ultraviolent crimes. To his surprise the man in question is a meek looking personality of frail make.

As he starts to pry into the man, demanding to know what makes him tick, the man interrupts him citing two examples in response. Although Batman fails to understand initially, is later shown reflecting on what the man shares with him.

The man, now in the throes of his transformation, presumably adopting the stronger and meaner of his available personalities, grows physically, both in musculature and height. He now squares up with Batman and attacks him.
( there is also scientific proof that someone with multiple personalities can sometimes change physically when their other personality is foremost in them. Google " Multiple Personality Disorder Physical Changes " ).

Batman's real problem here was that he was actually surprised. The weakly looking man who was pissing his pants when Batman found him, had now just punched him hard enough to physically project him. Whatever hit him couldn't possibly be the same guy he had cornered could it?

The altered man pauses in his escape to speak to Batman once more. Standing high above, Batman is left completely muddled, unable to explain how this guy scaled that height, that quickly.

Anyway, he tells Batman about how multiple personalities can work, IF you know how to let go and let whatever else in. He then calls Batman out, or rather, Batman's actual identity out and has him face an ugly truth before escaping. That ugly truth being that Batman already has some personality issue, being Batman some of the time, and Bruce Wayne the other.

After these events, it's clear Batman unhinges himself mentally, slowly, surely, and in a controlled manner. Knowing Batman, that's probably what he does. What with having seen the results? I'm sure he figure's he already has his foot in the door with this one, he may as well as jimmy it open and walk through right?

" Think about it Batman, that doesn't have to be the real you... "

A time later, as fate has it, the two cross. Batman is on the scene again. The same maniac from before is now present again. They at last cross again, when the Man in all too familiar tone addresses Batman. What Batman says in response, now no longer WHO he used to be either is what tied this whole self contained story up perfectly. Plus it led me to wonder what kind of personality that Batman we only see a brief glimpse of, is like.


" I'm NOT Batman..."

Gallows Pole

Ever listen to that one song; Gallows Pole, by Led Zeppelin?
You know the one where the guy is at the end of the line, imaginably already bound by a noose. His life now resides in that of the hangman who is presumably standing close enough to interact with, and directly affect the man's fate.

He first tells the Hangman to just a wait a little while longer. Tells him words been sent out as to his predicament and that aid would be coming.
He reassures the Hangman that his dear friends are riding posthaste from the horizon, and hopefully with alms to give his would be executioner and purchase his life back from him.

After his friends let him down, telling him they are far too poor to even try saving him from the hand of fate that has now clenched around him, he begs of the Hangman to wait just a little while longer, that of course, his own family would prove his saving grace. Somewhere off in the horizon his brother advances. A little behind him on the horizon his sister also appears, rushing to her brother's aid.

With his brother showing up with a bit of gold and everything else and his own sister even going as far as to sleep with the Hangman, the man begins to really believe he will be let free. What with the gift of riches and the warmth of a woman, how couldn't he be free? How couldn't he believe, hell, even assume he was already free right?

The man now asks of the Hangman if he'd do well to free him. The Hangman only looks on and smiles.

As he prepares to hang the man, he tells him the following
" Your brother brought me silver and your sister warmed me proper, but these are not enough to change my wanting to hang you. "

And so the song finishes with the Hangman laughing as the protagonists body writhes and struggles against a thick rope before finally giving way and snapping at the neck under it's own weight-

I heard this song the other night when I was drinking more than my share of whiskey. I got to thinking about how life can be like this sometimes. Circumstances can change and the results aren't the least bit affected.

Two Cats Dilemma OR a little on Joe Wotz.

It was a Sunday when all this happened...

I'd say all this occured about two weeks ago. I feel its always good to have a time frame for referencing. Incidentally the antagonist in this story wants to do me grievous bodily harm in real life. So should anything happen down the line, this can be used in my favor.

The afternoon was underway. It had to have been around 2:30p when I left the gas station and entered the freeway. ( See out where I live, just passed the hill, down the way is the 14hwy. This connects the dead lands that are Palmdale and Lancaster to Santa Clarita and the rest of the Los Angeles county )

I recall full well when I entered the highway that day, I noticed right away that my side of the freeway was almost totally free of cars. Rather, the entire southbound side of the 14 was bereft of cars. Just myself on that highway...

Myself and this green truck. A ways behind in my wake, resting perpetually on a horizon both the truck and I were maintaining. 

Unbeknownst to me at the time, a bad situation was forming. And it was driving the green truck.

As fate would have it, the lane the truck driver was occupying was the one I had to get into. The lane I was in was the one the green truck was seeking.
Driving down the highway a little further I notice that the green truck is no longer a speck on the distant horizon. It was now pulling up on my vehicle.

Then finally the situation took form. The man in the green truck decided to accelerate when I decided to break. This put us both at eye level and at a more compatible rate of speed.

As a natural reflex, I usually look onto any vehicle and its driver when I feel they are getting to close to mine, while in motion. 

Provided the sudden match up suddenly, the situation clicked into action.

When I looked over, it seemed the timing for disaster couldn't have been planned any better. 

In the neighboring truck, the driver, a man of massive make, with muscular arms and a mean face to boot was also already in the middle of looking at me when I glanced over.

Our eyes locked. Time came crashing to a grinding halt.

I began to see his expression go from one of a man relaxing into his Sunday, to that of a beast recognizing another beast in its part of the forest.

In retrospect, I still wonder how many seconds actually passed as we looked at each other. I knew who he was RIGHT AWAY ( Being the physically less superior of the two, knowledge of the mans build and power is keen information. Especially when you stand 5'6 and your potential opponent stands close to 6ft and has 60 lbs or so over you. ).

I could easily discern, even with my shoddy eyes that he in fact did recognize me, but had not yet placed a face to a name to a reputation. Yet.

About Joe-
One thing about this feller Joe ( thats his actual first name, but we wont share anything more ) is that what he lacks in brains he has exponentially in brawn.

I am also strong, but I've limitations as I am. 
I do not put in enough time into increasing my total power, although I do put time into increasing the available strength I have access to. 
(I'm what some of you in the know call heavyhanded, or, a bruiser. I can take a punch too, but it doesn't mean I seek it.. )

This cat Joe seems to be inverse, being physically bigger and most likely with a different musculature, he HAS put lots of time into increasing his total power. I'm sure the mans got some mean strength too, he looks like he could put a few grown men in the hospital, and easily. 

I on the other hand do not look dangerous. This has worked out in my favor time and again ( Let it be known that underestimating a man has led many to a quick defeat. Image is not what wins. It's heart. ).

I mean if you put us next to each other, the man dwarfs me. I just happen to have a bigger dick. ( true story, the redheaded rattlesnake Nik told me so. On multiple occasions when she was cheating on Joe with me. Just sayin... ). 

If the cards were dealt someday and we ended up crossing, this time however, in person and not in moving vehicles, I'd have to recall anything to give me some sort of mental edge. Knowing that I'm shorter than him and got more in the pants may be that edge. Who knows- Hell, I'd resort to using a tire iron, or my belt, or my teeth to win. I'd like to share what he promised he'd do to me someday but then I think it better not. No point in breathing more life into those wild claims...

I've gotten into several fights in my life, but very few have been with bigger people. 

I've never fought a bigger and stronger person though. At least not like him. 
I know I will in time, as life is long and my personality when I'm drunk and depressed tends to bring me more trouble that I care to deal with.

Of all the people I could've made a life long enemy of, it just had to be the program man ( term for a man who goes in and out of prison. Constantly. ). According to him I ruined his life and that makes me a dead man. That eventually, someday, it would be him that was going to end me, not old age, not disease, not some maniac woman I brought over to my apartment after ignoring red flags, NO, it'd be him.
For this to make a little more sense, let's delve into WHY the man has it out for me...

The actual issue here is, I used to bang this man's wife almost daily at one point. About 3/4 years back I believe. Although they had some odd relationship, and I mean odd, he took it to heart when he found out.

Instead of correcting her or at least trying to find out why she was resorting to cheating, and using that as a wake up call to get his act together ( I could talk shit about the man, but I've done him enough harm... ), he made it his life's mission to find me and beat me within inches of mine. And then kill me. Hopefully...
Mind you, I am in complete agreement with him.
If I was ever made a cuckold of, I'd have to kick the guys ass ( as a point of principle! ). Then I'd have to ring my woman's neck- ( random fact: The kinds of women I'm into and go for tend to be bigger head cases than I, usually with some sordid personal history or family history. So of course being disloyal that way is more likely as well )


Anyway, back to our story here-

There we were looking at each other. I swear all I could hear was heartbeat, oh and the wheels on the highway. Maybe I could hear his heart too, hard to say now-

It was probably when he slammed on his breaks and angled to the right, ending just behind me that he realized I was in fact Jerico, or Dead Man! as he so lovingly used to refer to me. Way back when he'd call me drunk or text me to issue his weekly death threat consisting of acts to be done to me, imaginable only in some part of hell. I'm sure.

Suddenly I had my heart in my throat.
What I was seeing in the rear view mirror was reality. And reality was accelerating with all 8 cylinders.

Although I only noticed it for a moment, I swear to God I did see some white tire smoke lingering off the sides as it sprang from a break and change in direction to a sudden complete acceleration.

Now what I lack in the realm of physical superiority, I make up for quick thinking and quicker acting. One of my few saving graces.

As I tried not to stare in horror at my rearview mirror, I too had slammed on my accelerator. Pushing my 4 cylinder chariot to the red zone. The size of truck suddenly decreasing, even if slightly, and for a moment before beginning to catch up. The car itself now began to make a wild shaking sound. My poor chariot I thought ( Honda 93 ). Just behind me, the vehicle was practically on my vehicle. I realized that even if I wanted to pull over, I wouldn't be able to.

Was he planning to run me off the road? What was he trying to do? Why hadn't he slammed into the back of my vehicle yet? He clearly could. Why is he maintaining a fixed distance now?

Even I knew I couldn't maintain the engine's full power for longer than say 10 seconds without causing expensive damage to the transmission. But I might have to I figured. Looking back at the rearview mirror I saw that the truck had slowed considerably. It was no longer on the ass of my car. As I glanced up again into the rearview mirror, I could see he was getting a little closer. 

His muscular arm was now out the window pointing at me. For reasons unknown the finger pointing just added to the bad stuff I was feeling.


With my car approaching its death throes as I sped on in the red part of the gauge, the distance was still increasing between us. Could it be his car had suffered some divinely sent ailment that needed fixing like coolant refill or oil check?  As I pondered these things I felt it better to take it out of high gear. An exit was coming up just up ahead and and if I could play it right, I could get him away from me.

Now that an exit was approaching in the neighboring lane, just 3/4 of a mile down the road, I jimmied on over into the right most lane and sped on. The truck maintained its distance behind me without fail.

As the exit approached, say 1/2 mile I suddenly felt a hard impact. This caused my vehicle to skid a little before screeching back into position. I looked into the rearview in what felt like a daze and saw that he was on my ass again. Despite having bad eyes I could TOTALLY feel the killing intention from his eyes in my rearview.  It was uncanny.

It wasn't till I thought about it later that I realized he had only slowed down a bit to develop more push on the acceleration. He was trying to get me off the road, or to the side of the road at least.

With the exit coming up, I focused on the divider ahead. What I was about to do would either get me back on the 14S away from Joe, or slam me along the divider on either end, leaving me in a bad spot, or worse if Joe pulled over to finish the job.

I put the car in high gear, slammed left on the steering wheel, slammed the e-brake up and then slammed it down when the car had jumped enough in the angle I was gambling on and then slammed on the accelerator. Suddenly my car jumped left and cut along the divider by a hairs breadth. Although I eventually pulled over and sat from getting all dizzy, I did manage to evade what was coming for me. It'll be back I'm sure, but for now I live yet.

I took a random freeway from there instead of the intended one and arrived to work a little late. The entire day I wondered about the many outcomes our belated, and albeit fated encounter would've presented.

In one reality he would've ran me off the road, or into the divider if I had planned it any differently. He woulda pulled over and sauntered over casually with a bat in hand to finish the job as I crawled out of my totaled vehicle hanging onto life by a thread.

In another, he would've fishtailed me and my vehicle would've rolled a long ways, killing me in the process. If I were so lucky that is..

Or, he would've caused me to pull over somehow and pummeled me into dogmeat. Hopefully not fulfilling the more sordid things he promised he was going to do to me when he did get his hands on me.

Two Cats:
I called this the two cats dilemma because as it was, as per what Nikki has/had to say, Joe and I were not that different. I just happened to be very intelligent, but temper and mental make wise, we were identical.

I mean to say, ever hear of the two cats problem?
Put a cat and dog together and one will be better. This is nature. Put two of the same ( like cats in this case ) and you may have a problem. They are too much alike and problems arise from this-

Written on 8/24/14
Ready for submission soon i thinks..

Nikki

It was two weeks ago or so that I was contacted by Nikki ( who I'd prefer to to not see again, and see again for personal reasons ), about some rumors I apparently had a hand or two in. Opting to cut straight to the point, I decided to actually call her and dispel the notions myself.

Time enough had passed since our last debacle, and to be honest, I did really want to clear my name of any participation in this new drama ( because lord knew it always affected me too ), as well as... hear her voice.

One of the things I had learned recently in my path to self improvement was that one had to be real and honest with themselves. I knew I'd be lying to myself if I didn't take the chance I had to speak with her again. Although things ended badly again, and because of a rather confusing he said/she said game, I still do not regret having spoken to her. I only regret having gone all billy without first investigating and confirming. For heresy was never good. Especially when acted on-

(The point is, when we spoke, she mentioned things, that even in my heart I knew were not true about her. Sure she had a predilection to looking at other men when she had one, and even go as far as to send her pictures to them, things of that nature, but definitely not what she was being accused of. In our phone conversation she even told me she had relationship issues. That was something I had never heard her admit. To know she was single now showed me she was giving herself time to learn about herself and what she wanted in life and from a partner. I knew too well that not knowing those things, one would jump from one relationship to another, repeating the same mistakes and hurting many people in the process needlessly and without really understanding why. I knew I was guilty of this until I decided to give time to myself. Sure she had said her last boyfriend didn't get jealous and this and that, but there is no such thing. When one has another with them, they are supposed to be for the other. Its a cardinal rule of the world. However, in the small details I reflected on well after the drama cost me lots, I did ascertain that at least now she was willing to accept her issues with relationships. A little point that I had to really take into consideration when reviewing the aspects of the rumor that created all this drama )

It holds true that a long time back I was the one that ran his mouth when I got hurt about some things she was thinking of doing way back when she was pregnant with our child. ( Controversial sure, but its something I would still defend to the end. I recall well kneeling and placing my head on her stomach when I'd see her instinctively, without having known she had a bun in the oven, anytime I did see her when she was preggers. It had to be mine, I recall feeling a connection with the baby then. ) Little did I consider that these mad slights would be fuel for rumors for years to come.

Unfortunately for me, at the mention of some proof I never did actually see ( and still don't know why I claimed to when I went off on her. It was just more conjecture ), and my passionate nature coupled with what lots of booze could do to a man's perception who already had a predisposition of going to extremes when totally wasted could do. I worsened everything with actions I am now willing to own up to. It wasn't right that Angela was taking the fall for some of the wild, implacable things I had said to Nikki when I wasn't totally sober. Especially when I claimed to have seen proof. Something born of a drunken stupor, not mindful of what it would do.

In our phone conversation, we spoke as if no time apart had elapsed. We spoke for close to an hour actually, going over a bevy of topics, not just my dispelling my role in the drama she spoke of initially. We even ended on an amicable note. Armed with news she was going to visit the following month, I hated to admit to myself that my heart had grown happy at the thought of actually seeing her again.

Time enough had passed between us and I understood last year the hard way she wasn't the same gal who had left to Colorado to start a new a few years back. The maiden who needed rescuing was no more.
For this alone I was looking forward to seeing her in a different way. I had a whole year to accept the reality that a person may have a time with another. But such times, or eras if you may eventually come to a finish. This was life.

As the days passed thereafter we got into light texting. I even gave her a link to one of the posts I have here on how life imitates art and how she was brought to mind due to psychological association. I suppose my being honest with her did not bode well when I inadvertently told her I still had feelings for her through a comic panel I sent her in a text. One I now cannot find. Our discussions halted thereafter up until shit hit the fan for all the wrong reasons several days later.

To be totally clear, as I wish to be when I speak of this, for fear of exacerbating the situation even more somehow, despite now being inaccessible by either Nikki or Angela and no longer having any role in that drama, I have to speak my part and sort things out for the sake of rectifying the injustice I did my Angela and for attacking Nikki the way I did. 

For I like to think I am an honorable person and have a good heart, even though sometimes it doesn't seem this way. I wish to right things and leave them at that. I feel the wrong people got shit for this and that I worsened things due to not being man enough to admit certain truths when I was asked about them the day the shit hit the fan ( Sunday )

I think this is probably why Nikki and I end up connecting time and again. Like begets like and our natures are similar despite being very different. I know the girls got a heart of gold, even if her actions don't show it sometimes. The same applies to me too.

I was trashed when I started shit texting, and I fibbed about some things when I gave her shit ( like having seen proof of something I hadn't. Having just heard of a few things didn't give me license to act. The fact that I did is painful to me now ) What's more, I hardly drink these days owing to a desire to self improve mind and body, and downing a bottle of Jaegermeister and a 12 pack of good beer with company I hardly see was just poorly thought thru. Especially with someone who has an inclination to bringing up topics they knew they shouldn't.

My drunken and imagined slights put a bad light on Angela needlessly. Unfortunately the damage was done there. As retribution for "throwing her under the bus" she shared a secret I confided in her with to my sister, which has now brought on such far reaching consequences in my family, I won't even bother getting into it here. Despite what I did, Angela fucked up too by literally costing me my unquestioned position with my sister who now looked at me with worry and fear in her eyes because of the secret that Angela betrayed me with.

I'm writing to set order to the chaos that are these rumors. It's something I must do because I was literally the catalyst for everything worsening. I owe this to Angela as well as Nikki. What more, if karma has shown me anything, it's that she will read this at the right time, be it before she visits or well after. I do not wish for anyone to harbor me ill will, and I would not rather be known as a meddler. The aim to improve oneself does not just lie in themselves, its also in how they manage themselves with others. I have failed at this once, but perhaps I can rectify things.

I suppose you could say the real reason I did a penance on Monday morning and shaved my head was because I knew I was responsible for bringing the drama to a head. I know deep down I was scared to upset my former friend when she asked me if I was speaking to Nikki again, and I know I fucked things up when I drunk texted instead of leaving things be and try to learn more to make up my own judgement instead of adding to the death throes of these rumors that were now costing me so much, and would continue to cost me in days to come.

So, I'll start from the beginning so to make sure things have their explanations. Rumors, like liars have short legs and these things do not get very far if approached the right way. It is lamentable that these rumors just don't die and that the start of it is usually within or near that family. Hence why I will explain my role in all this from start to finish. I am hopeful that if anything I can absolve my former friend of the blame placed on her. As for me, I accept my losses, I also accept that I was wrong to exacerbate things the way I did. It's something I do not wish to keep on my long list of regrets. It's also something that is eating away at me.

It all started some weeks back when I at last made peace with Angela. During our initial hangout, I ended up going with her boyfriend Steve to one of his vape shops for him to get his ridiculous little vape mechanism. On the way there however...

Steve randomly decided to bring Nikki up. Whether he knew or not, that is a sensitive issue to me. When he asked me whether or not I wanted to know what she was up to now, I recall well having said " I do not ". For some reason though, maybe because the boy is an idiot, he proceeded to tell me she was now involved in unscrupulous acts for lucre. I joked about it for a moment to try and mitigate the odd feeling I had in my heart and then quickly changed the topic. I didn't really know why he felt compelled to tell me this information that was at best, conjecture. If anything though, I did know I now had her on my mind and heart from thereon again. Despite having gone to great strides to not deal with or think upon her any longer through the year that had just passed. ( This was largely due to the fact that she was going to marry her boyfriend at the time. This was painful enough and I did not want to be around for it. ) Somehow mention of her had found me again. 

After we returned it was business as usual. We all drank and then I left with my sister. I left the issue at that, while all the while wondering if I should write her and see what was happening, as this did not strike me as something she would do. Sure she was lively in the sensual sense, but what was being said about her, well, that was a whole other animal. One I couldn't buy into.

About two weeks later I receive a text from a number I didn't totally recognize. The tone the text took was that of familiarity. Upon asking who it was, it turned out to be Nikki. I knew well how the rumor game worked, and I knew that if there was no confrontation, a rumor could be allowed to run rampant. I texted back asking if I could call her, which she said I could and did. We ended up talking for quite a while, as if no time between us had passed. After I told her what I heard from Steve, and was completely honest about my stance in it, I assured her I was not party to this whole drama and was not talking shit. She informed me that it was Ben, Angela's brother who had started shit with her over something ( some information is still missing, but nothing I think that is relevant. ) calling her a whore and saying that he had heard this from me, hence why she texted me initially. After dispelling this, citing I no longer talked to him and hadn't in a long time since he had verbally crossed me we changed topics to her visiting next month. Something that surprised me really because I was feeling something I didn't want to feel for reasons known and unknown. Still though, I was elated at having heard from her and doubly because I now knew she was headed this way in the coming weeks. After a lengthy chat, we ended things on a good note and hung up. In the coming days we shared a handful of texts. At some point she stopped responding completely, most likely when I inadvertently revealed to her how I still felt through a batman comic panel regarding Poison Ivy. I figured this was her being her as she had done that multiple times in the past and left it be. I just assumed she'd write me back eventually or do so when she was in town.

At weeks end I went over to visit Angela for an all nighter. Owing to the fact that we rarely see the other. Things started off well enough, but once the alcohol got heavy, she began to share with me the things that I still believe Nikki was not one to do. ( The more I heard of course, the more I felt I needed to hear. My error was not being patient and attempting to confirm things instead of going buckwild and fucking shit up for all parties involved owing to a drunken emotional craze. ) Having given my word to Nikki previously that I would check these rumors in their track and attempt halting any perpetuation of it, Angela grew suspicious when I began to defend Nikki saying, that without concrete proof of her activities, it was only speculation, things taken out of context. When she asked if I was talking to Nikki again, I lied, saying no, because I did not want to start an unnecessary argument. As the night continued on, my drunk buzz was eclipsed by emotion completely and I began to imagine things I then acted on. This of course brought heat on Angela as well as put me at pointless odds with Nikki again. This action alone exponentially worsened everything, despite my chivalrous deeds earlier.

Of course people who love you want the best for you, and I knew if Angela learned that I had called and that we had texted a few times, the fun of the night would've stopped then and there and I'm more than positive I would've been chewed out for 'being an idiot and talking to her again'.

To this end, it is sad that Angela cannot be real with Nikki and tell her how she really feels. On the other hand, it is also lamentable that Nikki doesn't call Angela to discuss this over the phone. If she did, it may've removed some momentum from the rumor. It might've stopped things from developing a while back instead of letting Ben spread rumors with my name attached to it as the source.

Eventually in the night Angela asked just how I knew certain things pertaining to the would be rumors, as I had previously told her that yes, Steve had only mentioned it to me, but did not get into other details. This of course was very suspicious. What more, Nikki had gone and said to Julia that Steve was now spreading shit. So when I told her I heard it from Steve, she put two and two together. 

On this particular point, Nikki is at fault. I had shared with her information that I told her I did not want circulating. Yet, she went and told Angela's sister that Steve was talking shit. Although she did mention my name directly,she failed to consider that some people extrapolate information. Especially when loose ends begin to crop up. Like when I began to show I knew more than I was letting on.

As a result I was grilled. Angela had to know how I knew what I knew. She asked me again if I was speaking to Nikki and I lied again by saying I was being harassed by an unknown number from Colorado and that the sender wasn't revealing who they were, only that we were in talks here and there. 

This of course worsened things, as I couldn't now admit that I was speaking to Nikki. This action created even more trouble. 

Eventually things went into hyper drive when the Jaegermeister was introduced. In such a wild drunken stupor I began to recall things differently, and began to get emotional at the responses I was getting from the questions I was now demanding to know the answers to. To start shit with Nikki, or anyone at that point was outright foolish. It was literally this particular action that threw the proverbial shit at the fan.

The night ended terribly to say the least. Even the morning was wrought with misgivings. I knew well the messages I had sent the night previous were now going to worm they're way back to me. The regret of having drunk texted like an idiot was thick enough to cut later on in the week. But it didn't end there, the morning still unclear and still not with all my mental faculties clear, I somehow made things worse by launching further misplaced hostile texts at Nikki, cutting her out, before destroying my phone in a rage.
This was not fair to her as I was acting on rumor. I had literally done what I tried so hard to avoid and in the end became another meddler in that drama. 

As the day went on, I got chewed out by Angela for having betrayed her trust and having screwed her over. I failed to consider that she was moving out that way, and that my actions were only making her impending situation a more dire one. The last thing I wanted to do was create more tension for her. It wasn't fair to Angela that my emotionally charged craze would have to cost her too.

It is true I was able to separate myself from that drama, but I did it all wrong, and for reasons as valid as rumor. It was not my intent to fuck Angela over the way I did, and it wasn't my intent to fuel a fire that could've been stopped had I taken a different approach.

It's for this reason now that I write this for posterity sake. I can no longer say what needs saying to the parties involved, but maybe this can absolve Angela of some of the things, and myself of others in regards to Nikki. Insofar as Nikki goes, I hope this note places the only blame I can think she should have in this, that being for having brought me into this through her remark regarding Steve and his slander she made to Julia. She should've considered it would've been looked into if I had come forward. Which I did, with good intentions of trying to curb the rumors on that end by defending her in some capacity.

I do regret having lost a best friend, but I do not like that Angela singlehandedly brought most of my family into a serious scare about me and my sanity because of the one thing I asked her not to share. It is true she asked me not to say anything or do anything regarding what had elapsed the night previous in regards to Nikki, but unbeknownst to her I had already done so then and was lying about some aspects thereafter. That was something lamentably, I could not change even if I wanted to.

And so, these are the events that transpired as they did, to the best of my memory. All parties are guilty of perpetuating this bullshit. It's just how guilty that I botched up. I hope things can be made right to the degree that they should.

We were all guilty in some form. It is lamentable, but the fact remains that I my actions alone worsened everything. I should've minded my own business and I should've not said or done anything with regards to the drama unfolding. That was an internal issue and it needs to be resolved internally. 

Although Nikki and I now are at odds. She is still dear to me. She's still very special to me. I honestly wish I knew why. People like us when placed together can create many great things as we once did, as well as nightmarish outcomes as we both experienced in our own company and time. Still though, I would hate to lose her again over something born of heresy and rumor. 

If the fates permit it, she'll read this and know that I know I fucked up too.

This is my way of trying to make right. For whatever it is worth.
The date is 2/27/14, the time is 9:03pm. 

Life imitates Art OR How I interpreted this concept.

If there's one thing I'll state about myself, it's that I absolutely love a good expression.  The only thing better is recognizing the moment to use it properly. (I'm a man with several idiosyncrasies apparently...)

Very recently however, I learned the real meaning behind a potentially ambiguous expression. It's one I've been well familiar with for ages now.

" Life imitates Art. "

Now if you're familiar with the expression, I challenge you to look it up, you will see, that its possible your interpretation of the expression is either not correct, or a variation on the original meaning. IF you guessed properly/knew the actual meaning, then kudos, you get a nod and a smile, friend.

Anyway, this isn't the first time I've encountered a situation where in retrospect I could say " Oh man I guess life really does imitate art ". It was only such a blatant punch in the mouth this time, that I'd be hard pressed NOT to notice right away, let alone in retrospect...

Another reason why I opted to write about this, was also to display the art and story caliber of comics from yesteryear's. If you see the garbage they have now, you'd become crestfallen. Talk about two birds with one stone right?

(Go ahead and observe, my ranting and raving aside, the layout of the comic panels posted in this entry and the dialogue found therein makes it, at the very least curious no? Such is the power of what I considered, heart felt writing, borne of experience, for relating is easy. At least to me-)

Moving on to yesterday. It was late in the night then, clearly sleep wasn't gonna come around for a while, so I opted to pick up where I left off in the "Legends of the Dark Knight" comic series. Heretofore known as LDK.

As of late I've been reading through some of the older comics from DC's Bronze Age. Chief among them have been the epic tales of Batman, stories I've taken a particular liking to. Largely because Batman is still a man, and still suspect to fucking up, apparently in very human ways as I've come to note in roars of laughter. (Partially because some of it is relatable) Some of his reactions I found where almost mirrored from myself.

Or at least that realization that whomever wrote Batman's character for that particular story may have been a person with a similar temperament to myself, and was projecting some of himself into the Batman's reactions to certain happenings in this issue.

In HotHouse, Batman has his first encounter with Poison Ivy in this series. (Not to be confused with her debut encounter! By this point she's been dealt with multiple times, has been submitted to Arkham and is now supposedly cured. Can no longer release... well if you don't know what Poison Ivy can do, maybe its high time you learned?)

There! Can't say I never did nothing nice for ya'll.
Moving on.

At this point in time she is cured of her maladies and randomly appears back in the limelight of Batman's life. I suppose this is the moment I finally grasped the meaning of expression " Life imitates art ".

I still remember reading the page before, learning that the victim had been killed by an organically produced hallucinogenic, I of course expected Ivy to be guilty of the crime SOLELY because of the cover shown earlier, BUT, what I was not expecting was the presentation, and how my mind tied someone else I felt the same way about to Poison Ivy. All that was missing was Poison Ivy saying "Jerico" instead of Batman.

It struck me a blow most interesting to be honest.
The more I learned about how Poison Ivy was portrayed in this issue, the more I came to conclude two things. Her creator must've had some dealings with a meddlesome redhead ( as redheads tend to be I've noticed. I've never met one that wasn't a handful and a headache- ) hence the creation of Poison Ivy, and that life was imitating art through the past experiences of the individual at hand. You know how in Psychology they say some bullshit about association? Who knows, I don't get paid to sound smart.

Point is, I'd be lying if I said when I was reading this comic last night, Poison Ivy didn't totally remind of me of Nikki. Batman's instant aversion with his thoughts on the defense were near identical to mine with her. It was fascinating to see experiences from my past come to life in some capacity in art form. Buried deep in a comic I've only recently gotten really into. Made for some enthralling reading I'd say.

For those that don't know, we were literally birds of a feather at one point. Being so alike in potentially sordid personalities and other bad habits it was no surprise we flocked together. BUT! despite all that, she also embodied many things that, over time I found, were things I hated about myself or didn't understand yet about my person perhaps. However in light of these flaws, her grasp over me was near absolute. A lamentable condition in which I cost myself much once. Much in the same way Poison Ivy has cost Batman in other comic lines (Detective Comics, Brave and the Bold, Shadow of the Bat, etc.) Her grasp over Batman, although powerful, was never absolute, and although she's never defeated him, she has proven more than a handful on every occasion. (Poison Ivy's allure was so strong that it once captivated Superman enough to for her to command him to kill Batman, which Bats barely survives.)

Perhaps you've experienced it with someone before. As not all people affect you the same way, there are those who seem to have a far greater hold on you that you're aware of or care to admit. This was the case the with her, and this is the possibly what Poison Ivy embodies idea wise. The whole plant thing is just an angle on something deeper. Poison Ivy's influence is akin to that one person that has easy and complete access to your innermost person. Although rare, such a person once met, seems to know what to say and how to say things to get behind you enough to stick a knife in should the time come.

As a result, they are incredibly difficult to deal with without becoming emotionally compromised. The same can be said for Poison Ivy who affects the fluids in your brain via airborne pheromones or intoxicating touch or worse yet, her poisonous kiss. All these lead to something similar to mind control or something more undesirable.

ANYWAY- As I read on, I found Batman fucking up the same way I had done before when I was dealing with her tantamount early last year. The panel to the left had some significance too. Reading the page to the left, ( <-- ) I found myself really relating to what Batman was going through. By effect I was understanding more and more the real meaning of " Life imitates Art ". How it was things you've read or seen or things you will read or see will sometimes remind us of an experience that elapsed in that exact fashion. Life is unlimited in its variations, and I'm of the belief the universe has an intelligent guiding force; a God to manage reality if you may. So the expression held a multipurpose meaning to me.

However, experiencing this expression in the form of a comic last night. The panel suddenly bringing to mind a gal I'd to prefer to never think of again, ( although I'd be lying to myself. I tend to think her on more often than not ) and all the while keeping me gripped because its Batman dealing with a situation I've been in (or similar) where emotionally, I barely escaped by the skin of my teeth was something else. To see Batman falter in a similar fashion was a weight unknown, off my heart. (For it appeared, everybody was suspect to follies such as mine)

I finally understood the meaning of it, and finally accepted that life was like this. It would lend itself to the interpreter when it came to certain art/music/literature/event for nothing more, than to remind an individual of that once upon a time, their life was going through something like this, epic in quality, legendary in recollection. 

For Poison Ivy and how her character was portrayed in this comic, and how it reminded me so much of Nikki, I'll end on the same note Batman did when he kept her from falling her to death- (since in all honesty, despite my seeming dislike for her, its born not of hatred, its just complicated I guess.)

But like Batman, I still got a spot for Poison Ivy somewhere in the steel caldron I call a heart. For that, I'll use Batman's inner dialogue as my own to conclude this entry on expressions and associations.

" There's NO MANS LAND between love and hate,

between passion and obsession,

where its easy to lose all sense of reality,

and in doing so, lose yourself,

somewhere in that emotional minefield,

that's where Nikki wanders... "

Life really does imitate art. Once upon a time, many, many moons ago, I had told her the same thing before she moved far away and out of my life. " I won't let you go "

Like the Batman, I too saved Poison Ivy's tantamount a long time ago.
...and like the Batman, I too realized the kind of spell she could wield over a guy like me. Although time changed a lot of things between us, and even though I swore her off, I'd be a liar if I said I'd turn my back on her if she ever needed real help. I'm sure we'll end up meeting again, the same way Batman encounters Poison Ivy time and again.
Such is Batman's nature no? The same man who'd found love in Catwoman, instead of a regular woman the way Clark Kent had done.

Poison Ivy would never be the same, and neither would comic book reading.

This was something most pleasing actually. Maybe this was the reason I couldn't get into them when I was younger, or maybe because I'm older now, I can grasp the emotional subtleties some of these issues have. As a result, my interest in comics has only increased :D (surely you've noticed it when watching cartoons from your early youth. So many jokes that went right over the top of your head then, and now, so very blatant, and sometimes, artistic in subtlety.)

Now, as much as I'd like to post more and more about the comics I read, I was only using what I had at hand to write about something I found of particular interest. The idea that there are things in life that remind one of other things, to put very generally. I had experienced it before of course, but never so in your face.

Alrighty, that concludes this post.