It was two weeks ago or so that I was contacted by Nikki ( who I'd prefer to to not see again, and see again for personal reasons ), about some rumors I apparently had a hand or two in. Opting to cut straight to the point, I decided to actually call her and dispel the notions myself.
Time enough had passed since our last debacle, and to be honest, I did really want to clear my name of any participation in this new drama ( because lord knew it always affected me too ), as well as... hear her voice.
One of the things I had learned recently in my path to self improvement was that one had to be real and honest with themselves. I knew I'd be lying to myself if I didn't take the chance I had to speak with her again. Although things ended badly again, and because of a rather confusing he said/she said game, I still do not regret having spoken to her. I only regret having gone all billy without first investigating and confirming. For heresy was never good. Especially when acted on-
(The point is, when we spoke, she mentioned things, that even in my heart I knew were not true about her. Sure she had a predilection to looking at other men when she had one, and even go as far as to send her pictures to them, things of that nature, but definitely not what she was being accused of. In our phone conversation she even told me she had relationship issues. That was something I had never heard her admit. To know she was single now showed me she was giving herself time to learn about herself and what she wanted in life and from a partner. I knew too well that not knowing those things, one would jump from one relationship to another, repeating the same mistakes and hurting many people in the process needlessly and without really understanding why. I knew I was guilty of this until I decided to give time to myself. Sure she had said her last boyfriend didn't get jealous and this and that, but there is no such thing. When one has another with them, they are supposed to be for the other. Its a cardinal rule of the world. However, in the small details I reflected on well after the drama cost me lots, I did ascertain that at least now she was willing to accept her issues with relationships. A little point that I had to really take into consideration when reviewing the aspects of the rumor that created all this drama )
It holds true that a long time back I was the one that ran his mouth when I got hurt about some things she was thinking of doing way back when she was pregnant with our child. ( Controversial sure, but its something I would still defend to the end. I recall well kneeling and placing my head on her stomach when I'd see her instinctively, without having known she had a bun in the oven, anytime I did see her when she was preggers. It had to be mine, I recall feeling a connection with the baby then. ) Little did I consider that these mad slights would be fuel for rumors for years to come.
Unfortunately for me, at the mention of some proof I never did actually see ( and still don't know why I claimed to when I went off on her. It was just more conjecture ), and my passionate nature coupled with what lots of booze could do to a man's perception who already had a predisposition of going to extremes when totally wasted could do. I worsened everything with actions I am now willing to own up to. It wasn't right that Angela was taking the fall for some of the wild, implacable things I had said to Nikki when I wasn't totally sober. Especially when I claimed to have seen proof. Something born of a drunken stupor, not mindful of what it would do.
In our phone conversation, we spoke as if no time apart had elapsed. We spoke for close to an hour actually, going over a bevy of topics, not just my dispelling my role in the drama she spoke of initially. We even ended on an amicable note. Armed with news she was going to visit the following month, I hated to admit to myself that my heart had grown happy at the thought of actually seeing her again.
Time enough had passed between us and I understood last year the hard way she wasn't the same gal who had left to Colorado to start a new a few years back. The maiden who needed rescuing was no more.
For this alone I was looking forward to seeing her in a different way. I had a whole year to accept the reality that a person may have a time with another. But such times, or eras if you may eventually come to a finish. This was life.
As the days passed thereafter we got into light texting. I even gave her a link to one of the posts I have here on how life imitates art and how she was brought to mind due to psychological association. I suppose my being honest with her did not bode well when I inadvertently told her I still had feelings for her through a comic panel I sent her in a text. One I now cannot find. Our discussions halted thereafter up until shit hit the fan for all the wrong reasons several days later.
To be totally clear, as I wish to be when I speak of this, for fear of exacerbating the situation even more somehow, despite now being inaccessible by either Nikki or Angela and no longer having any role in that drama, I have to speak my part and sort things out for the sake of rectifying the injustice I did my Angela and for attacking Nikki the way I did.
For I like to think I am an honorable person and have a good heart, even though sometimes it doesn't seem this way. I wish to right things and leave them at that. I feel the wrong people got shit for this and that I worsened things due to not being man enough to admit certain truths when I was asked about them the day the shit hit the fan ( Sunday )
I think this is probably why Nikki and I end up connecting time and again. Like begets like and our natures are similar despite being very different. I know the girls got a heart of gold, even if her actions don't show it sometimes. The same applies to me too.
I was trashed when I started shit texting, and I fibbed about some things when I gave her shit ( like having seen proof of something I hadn't. Having just heard of a few things didn't give me license to act. The fact that I did is painful to me now ) What's more, I hardly drink these days owing to a desire to self improve mind and body, and downing a bottle of Jaegermeister and a 12 pack of good beer with company I hardly see was just poorly thought thru. Especially with someone who has an inclination to bringing up topics they knew they shouldn't.
My drunken and imagined slights put a bad light on Angela needlessly. Unfortunately the damage was done there. As retribution for "throwing her under the bus" she shared a secret I confided in her with to my sister, which has now brought on such far reaching consequences in my family, I won't even bother getting into it here. Despite what I did, Angela fucked up too by literally costing me my unquestioned position with my sister who now looked at me with worry and fear in her eyes because of the secret that Angela betrayed me with.
I'm writing to set order to the chaos that are these rumors. It's something I must do because I was literally the catalyst for everything worsening. I owe this to Angela as well as Nikki. What more, if karma has shown me anything, it's that she will read this at the right time, be it before she visits or well after. I do not wish for anyone to harbor me ill will, and I would not rather be known as a meddler. The aim to improve oneself does not just lie in themselves, its also in how they manage themselves with others. I have failed at this once, but perhaps I can rectify things.
I suppose you could say the real reason I did a penance on Monday morning and shaved my head was because I knew I was responsible for bringing the drama to a head. I know deep down I was scared to upset my former friend when she asked me if I was speaking to Nikki again, and I know I fucked things up when I drunk texted instead of leaving things be and try to learn more to make up my own judgement instead of adding to the death throes of these rumors that were now costing me so much, and would continue to cost me in days to come.
So, I'll start from the beginning so to make sure things have their explanations. Rumors, like liars have short legs and these things do not get very far if approached the right way. It is lamentable that these rumors just don't die and that the start of it is usually within or near that family. Hence why I will explain my role in all this from start to finish. I am hopeful that if anything I can absolve my former friend of the blame placed on her. As for me, I accept my losses, I also accept that I was wrong to exacerbate things the way I did. It's something I do not wish to keep on my long list of regrets. It's also something that is eating away at me.
It all started some weeks back when I at last made peace with Angela. During our initial hangout, I ended up going with her boyfriend Steve to one of his vape shops for him to get his ridiculous little vape mechanism. On the way there however...
Steve randomly decided to bring Nikki up. Whether he knew or not, that is a sensitive issue to me. When he asked me whether or not I wanted to know what she was up to now, I recall well having said " I do not ". For some reason though, maybe because the boy is an idiot, he proceeded to tell me she was now involved in unscrupulous acts for lucre. I joked about it for a moment to try and mitigate the odd feeling I had in my heart and then quickly changed the topic. I didn't really know why he felt compelled to tell me this information that was at best, conjecture. If anything though, I did know I now had her on my mind and heart from thereon again. Despite having gone to great strides to not deal with or think upon her any longer through the year that had just passed. ( This was largely due to the fact that she was going to marry her boyfriend at the time. This was painful enough and I did not want to be around for it. ) Somehow mention of her had found me again.
After we returned it was business as usual. We all drank and then I left with my sister. I left the issue at that, while all the while wondering if I should write her and see what was happening, as this did not strike me as something she would do. Sure she was lively in the sensual sense, but what was being said about her, well, that was a whole other animal. One I couldn't buy into.
About two weeks later I receive a text from a number I didn't totally recognize. The tone the text took was that of familiarity. Upon asking who it was, it turned out to be Nikki. I knew well how the rumor game worked, and I knew that if there was no confrontation, a rumor could be allowed to run rampant. I texted back asking if I could call her, which she said I could and did. We ended up talking for quite a while, as if no time between us had passed. After I told her what I heard from Steve, and was completely honest about my stance in it, I assured her I was not party to this whole drama and was not talking shit. She informed me that it was Ben, Angela's brother who had started shit with her over something ( some information is still missing, but nothing I think that is relevant. ) calling her a whore and saying that he had heard this from me, hence why she texted me initially. After dispelling this, citing I no longer talked to him and hadn't in a long time since he had verbally crossed me we changed topics to her visiting next month. Something that surprised me really because I was feeling something I didn't want to feel for reasons known and unknown. Still though, I was elated at having heard from her and doubly because I now knew she was headed this way in the coming weeks. After a lengthy chat, we ended things on a good note and hung up. In the coming days we shared a handful of texts. At some point she stopped responding completely, most likely when I inadvertently revealed to her how I still felt through a batman comic panel regarding Poison Ivy. I figured this was her being her as she had done that multiple times in the past and left it be. I just assumed she'd write me back eventually or do so when she was in town.
At weeks end I went over to visit Angela for an all nighter. Owing to the fact that we rarely see the other. Things started off well enough, but once the alcohol got heavy, she began to share with me the things that I still believe Nikki was not one to do. ( The more I heard of course, the more I felt I needed to hear. My error was not being patient and attempting to confirm things instead of going buckwild and fucking shit up for all parties involved owing to a drunken emotional craze. ) Having given my word to Nikki previously that I would check these rumors in their track and attempt halting any perpetuation of it, Angela grew suspicious when I began to defend Nikki saying, that without concrete proof of her activities, it was only speculation, things taken out of context. When she asked if I was talking to Nikki again, I lied, saying no, because I did not want to start an unnecessary argument. As the night continued on, my drunk buzz was eclipsed by emotion completely and I began to imagine things I then acted on. This of course brought heat on Angela as well as put me at pointless odds with Nikki again. This action alone exponentially worsened everything, despite my chivalrous deeds earlier.
Of course people who love you want the best for you, and I knew if Angela learned that I had called and that we had texted a few times, the fun of the night would've stopped then and there and I'm more than positive I would've been chewed out for 'being an idiot and talking to her again'.
To this end, it is sad that Angela cannot be real with Nikki and tell her how she really feels. On the other hand, it is also lamentable that Nikki doesn't call Angela to discuss this over the phone. If she did, it may've removed some momentum from the rumor. It might've stopped things from developing a while back instead of letting Ben spread rumors with my name attached to it as the source.
Eventually in the night Angela asked just how I knew certain things pertaining to the would be rumors, as I had previously told her that yes, Steve had only mentioned it to me, but did not get into other details. This of course was very suspicious. What more, Nikki had gone and said to Julia that Steve was now spreading shit. So when I told her I heard it from Steve, she put two and two together.
On this particular point, Nikki is at fault. I had shared with her information that I told her I did not want circulating. Yet, she went and told Angela's sister that Steve was talking shit. Although she did mention my name directly,she failed to consider that some people extrapolate information. Especially when loose ends begin to crop up. Like when I began to show I knew more than I was letting on.
As a result I was grilled. Angela had to know how I knew what I knew. She asked me again if I was speaking to Nikki and I lied again by saying I was being harassed by an unknown number from Colorado and that the sender wasn't revealing who they were, only that we were in talks here and there.
This of course worsened things, as I couldn't now admit that I was speaking to Nikki. This action created even more trouble.
Eventually things went into hyper drive when the Jaegermeister was introduced. In such a wild drunken stupor I began to recall things differently, and began to get emotional at the responses I was getting from the questions I was now demanding to know the answers to. To start shit with Nikki, or anyone at that point was outright foolish. It was literally this particular action that threw the proverbial shit at the fan.
The night ended terribly to say the least. Even the morning was wrought with misgivings. I knew well the messages I had sent the night previous were now going to worm they're way back to me. The regret of having drunk texted like an idiot was thick enough to cut later on in the week. But it didn't end there, the morning still unclear and still not with all my mental faculties clear, I somehow made things worse by launching further misplaced hostile texts at Nikki, cutting her out, before destroying my phone in a rage.
This was not fair to her as I was acting on rumor. I had literally done what I tried so hard to avoid and in the end became another meddler in that drama.
As the day went on, I got chewed out by Angela for having betrayed her trust and having screwed her over. I failed to consider that she was moving out that way, and that my actions were only making her impending situation a more dire one. The last thing I wanted to do was create more tension for her. It wasn't fair to Angela that my emotionally charged craze would have to cost her too.
It is true I was able to separate myself from that drama, but I did it all wrong, and for reasons as valid as rumor. It was not my intent to fuck Angela over the way I did, and it wasn't my intent to fuel a fire that could've been stopped had I taken a different approach.
It's for this reason now that I write this for posterity sake. I can no longer say what needs saying to the parties involved, but maybe this can absolve Angela of some of the things, and myself of others in regards to Nikki. Insofar as Nikki goes, I hope this note places the only blame I can think she should have in this, that being for having brought me into this through her remark regarding Steve and his slander she made to Julia. She should've considered it would've been looked into if I had come forward. Which I did, with good intentions of trying to curb the rumors on that end by defending her in some capacity.
I do regret having lost a best friend, but I do not like that Angela singlehandedly brought most of my family into a serious scare about me and my sanity because of the one thing I asked her not to share. It is true she asked me not to say anything or do anything regarding what had elapsed the night previous in regards to Nikki, but unbeknownst to her I had already done so then and was lying about some aspects thereafter. That was something lamentably, I could not change even if I wanted to.
And so, these are the events that transpired as they did, to the best of my memory. All parties are guilty of perpetuating this bullshit. It's just how guilty that I botched up. I hope things can be made right to the degree that they should.
We were all guilty in some form. It is lamentable, but the fact remains that I my actions alone worsened everything. I should've minded my own business and I should've not said or done anything with regards to the drama unfolding. That was an internal issue and it needs to be resolved internally.
Although Nikki and I now are at odds. She is still dear to me. She's still very special to me. I honestly wish I knew why. People like us when placed together can create many great things as we once did, as well as nightmarish outcomes as we both experienced in our own company and time. Still though, I would hate to lose her again over something born of heresy and rumor.
If the fates permit it, she'll read this and know that I know I fucked up too.
This is my way of trying to make right. For whatever it is worth.
The date is 2/27/14, the time is 9:03pm.
Time enough had passed since our last debacle, and to be honest, I did really want to clear my name of any participation in this new drama ( because lord knew it always affected me too ), as well as... hear her voice.
One of the things I had learned recently in my path to self improvement was that one had to be real and honest with themselves. I knew I'd be lying to myself if I didn't take the chance I had to speak with her again. Although things ended badly again, and because of a rather confusing he said/she said game, I still do not regret having spoken to her. I only regret having gone all billy without first investigating and confirming. For heresy was never good. Especially when acted on-
(The point is, when we spoke, she mentioned things, that even in my heart I knew were not true about her. Sure she had a predilection to looking at other men when she had one, and even go as far as to send her pictures to them, things of that nature, but definitely not what she was being accused of. In our phone conversation she even told me she had relationship issues. That was something I had never heard her admit. To know she was single now showed me she was giving herself time to learn about herself and what she wanted in life and from a partner. I knew too well that not knowing those things, one would jump from one relationship to another, repeating the same mistakes and hurting many people in the process needlessly and without really understanding why. I knew I was guilty of this until I decided to give time to myself. Sure she had said her last boyfriend didn't get jealous and this and that, but there is no such thing. When one has another with them, they are supposed to be for the other. Its a cardinal rule of the world. However, in the small details I reflected on well after the drama cost me lots, I did ascertain that at least now she was willing to accept her issues with relationships. A little point that I had to really take into consideration when reviewing the aspects of the rumor that created all this drama )
It holds true that a long time back I was the one that ran his mouth when I got hurt about some things she was thinking of doing way back when she was pregnant with our child. ( Controversial sure, but its something I would still defend to the end. I recall well kneeling and placing my head on her stomach when I'd see her instinctively, without having known she had a bun in the oven, anytime I did see her when she was preggers. It had to be mine, I recall feeling a connection with the baby then. ) Little did I consider that these mad slights would be fuel for rumors for years to come.
Unfortunately for me, at the mention of some proof I never did actually see ( and still don't know why I claimed to when I went off on her. It was just more conjecture ), and my passionate nature coupled with what lots of booze could do to a man's perception who already had a predisposition of going to extremes when totally wasted could do. I worsened everything with actions I am now willing to own up to. It wasn't right that Angela was taking the fall for some of the wild, implacable things I had said to Nikki when I wasn't totally sober. Especially when I claimed to have seen proof. Something born of a drunken stupor, not mindful of what it would do.
In our phone conversation, we spoke as if no time apart had elapsed. We spoke for close to an hour actually, going over a bevy of topics, not just my dispelling my role in the drama she spoke of initially. We even ended on an amicable note. Armed with news she was going to visit the following month, I hated to admit to myself that my heart had grown happy at the thought of actually seeing her again.
Time enough had passed between us and I understood last year the hard way she wasn't the same gal who had left to Colorado to start a new a few years back. The maiden who needed rescuing was no more.
For this alone I was looking forward to seeing her in a different way. I had a whole year to accept the reality that a person may have a time with another. But such times, or eras if you may eventually come to a finish. This was life.
As the days passed thereafter we got into light texting. I even gave her a link to one of the posts I have here on how life imitates art and how she was brought to mind due to psychological association. I suppose my being honest with her did not bode well when I inadvertently told her I still had feelings for her through a comic panel I sent her in a text. One I now cannot find. Our discussions halted thereafter up until shit hit the fan for all the wrong reasons several days later.
To be totally clear, as I wish to be when I speak of this, for fear of exacerbating the situation even more somehow, despite now being inaccessible by either Nikki or Angela and no longer having any role in that drama, I have to speak my part and sort things out for the sake of rectifying the injustice I did my Angela and for attacking Nikki the way I did.
For I like to think I am an honorable person and have a good heart, even though sometimes it doesn't seem this way. I wish to right things and leave them at that. I feel the wrong people got shit for this and that I worsened things due to not being man enough to admit certain truths when I was asked about them the day the shit hit the fan ( Sunday )
I think this is probably why Nikki and I end up connecting time and again. Like begets like and our natures are similar despite being very different. I know the girls got a heart of gold, even if her actions don't show it sometimes. The same applies to me too.
I was trashed when I started shit texting, and I fibbed about some things when I gave her shit ( like having seen proof of something I hadn't. Having just heard of a few things didn't give me license to act. The fact that I did is painful to me now ) What's more, I hardly drink these days owing to a desire to self improve mind and body, and downing a bottle of Jaegermeister and a 12 pack of good beer with company I hardly see was just poorly thought thru. Especially with someone who has an inclination to bringing up topics they knew they shouldn't.
My drunken and imagined slights put a bad light on Angela needlessly. Unfortunately the damage was done there. As retribution for "throwing her under the bus" she shared a secret I confided in her with to my sister, which has now brought on such far reaching consequences in my family, I won't even bother getting into it here. Despite what I did, Angela fucked up too by literally costing me my unquestioned position with my sister who now looked at me with worry and fear in her eyes because of the secret that Angela betrayed me with.
I'm writing to set order to the chaos that are these rumors. It's something I must do because I was literally the catalyst for everything worsening. I owe this to Angela as well as Nikki. What more, if karma has shown me anything, it's that she will read this at the right time, be it before she visits or well after. I do not wish for anyone to harbor me ill will, and I would not rather be known as a meddler. The aim to improve oneself does not just lie in themselves, its also in how they manage themselves with others. I have failed at this once, but perhaps I can rectify things.
I suppose you could say the real reason I did a penance on Monday morning and shaved my head was because I knew I was responsible for bringing the drama to a head. I know deep down I was scared to upset my former friend when she asked me if I was speaking to Nikki again, and I know I fucked things up when I drunk texted instead of leaving things be and try to learn more to make up my own judgement instead of adding to the death throes of these rumors that were now costing me so much, and would continue to cost me in days to come.
So, I'll start from the beginning so to make sure things have their explanations. Rumors, like liars have short legs and these things do not get very far if approached the right way. It is lamentable that these rumors just don't die and that the start of it is usually within or near that family. Hence why I will explain my role in all this from start to finish. I am hopeful that if anything I can absolve my former friend of the blame placed on her. As for me, I accept my losses, I also accept that I was wrong to exacerbate things the way I did. It's something I do not wish to keep on my long list of regrets. It's also something that is eating away at me.
It all started some weeks back when I at last made peace with Angela. During our initial hangout, I ended up going with her boyfriend Steve to one of his vape shops for him to get his ridiculous little vape mechanism. On the way there however...
Steve randomly decided to bring Nikki up. Whether he knew or not, that is a sensitive issue to me. When he asked me whether or not I wanted to know what she was up to now, I recall well having said " I do not ". For some reason though, maybe because the boy is an idiot, he proceeded to tell me she was now involved in unscrupulous acts for lucre. I joked about it for a moment to try and mitigate the odd feeling I had in my heart and then quickly changed the topic. I didn't really know why he felt compelled to tell me this information that was at best, conjecture. If anything though, I did know I now had her on my mind and heart from thereon again. Despite having gone to great strides to not deal with or think upon her any longer through the year that had just passed. ( This was largely due to the fact that she was going to marry her boyfriend at the time. This was painful enough and I did not want to be around for it. ) Somehow mention of her had found me again.
After we returned it was business as usual. We all drank and then I left with my sister. I left the issue at that, while all the while wondering if I should write her and see what was happening, as this did not strike me as something she would do. Sure she was lively in the sensual sense, but what was being said about her, well, that was a whole other animal. One I couldn't buy into.
About two weeks later I receive a text from a number I didn't totally recognize. The tone the text took was that of familiarity. Upon asking who it was, it turned out to be Nikki. I knew well how the rumor game worked, and I knew that if there was no confrontation, a rumor could be allowed to run rampant. I texted back asking if I could call her, which she said I could and did. We ended up talking for quite a while, as if no time between us had passed. After I told her what I heard from Steve, and was completely honest about my stance in it, I assured her I was not party to this whole drama and was not talking shit. She informed me that it was Ben, Angela's brother who had started shit with her over something ( some information is still missing, but nothing I think that is relevant. ) calling her a whore and saying that he had heard this from me, hence why she texted me initially. After dispelling this, citing I no longer talked to him and hadn't in a long time since he had verbally crossed me we changed topics to her visiting next month. Something that surprised me really because I was feeling something I didn't want to feel for reasons known and unknown. Still though, I was elated at having heard from her and doubly because I now knew she was headed this way in the coming weeks. After a lengthy chat, we ended things on a good note and hung up. In the coming days we shared a handful of texts. At some point she stopped responding completely, most likely when I inadvertently revealed to her how I still felt through a batman comic panel regarding Poison Ivy. I figured this was her being her as she had done that multiple times in the past and left it be. I just assumed she'd write me back eventually or do so when she was in town.
At weeks end I went over to visit Angela for an all nighter. Owing to the fact that we rarely see the other. Things started off well enough, but once the alcohol got heavy, she began to share with me the things that I still believe Nikki was not one to do. ( The more I heard of course, the more I felt I needed to hear. My error was not being patient and attempting to confirm things instead of going buckwild and fucking shit up for all parties involved owing to a drunken emotional craze. ) Having given my word to Nikki previously that I would check these rumors in their track and attempt halting any perpetuation of it, Angela grew suspicious when I began to defend Nikki saying, that without concrete proof of her activities, it was only speculation, things taken out of context. When she asked if I was talking to Nikki again, I lied, saying no, because I did not want to start an unnecessary argument. As the night continued on, my drunk buzz was eclipsed by emotion completely and I began to imagine things I then acted on. This of course brought heat on Angela as well as put me at pointless odds with Nikki again. This action alone exponentially worsened everything, despite my chivalrous deeds earlier.
Of course people who love you want the best for you, and I knew if Angela learned that I had called and that we had texted a few times, the fun of the night would've stopped then and there and I'm more than positive I would've been chewed out for 'being an idiot and talking to her again'.
To this end, it is sad that Angela cannot be real with Nikki and tell her how she really feels. On the other hand, it is also lamentable that Nikki doesn't call Angela to discuss this over the phone. If she did, it may've removed some momentum from the rumor. It might've stopped things from developing a while back instead of letting Ben spread rumors with my name attached to it as the source.
Eventually in the night Angela asked just how I knew certain things pertaining to the would be rumors, as I had previously told her that yes, Steve had only mentioned it to me, but did not get into other details. This of course was very suspicious. What more, Nikki had gone and said to Julia that Steve was now spreading shit. So when I told her I heard it from Steve, she put two and two together.
On this particular point, Nikki is at fault. I had shared with her information that I told her I did not want circulating. Yet, she went and told Angela's sister that Steve was talking shit. Although she did mention my name directly,she failed to consider that some people extrapolate information. Especially when loose ends begin to crop up. Like when I began to show I knew more than I was letting on.
As a result I was grilled. Angela had to know how I knew what I knew. She asked me again if I was speaking to Nikki and I lied again by saying I was being harassed by an unknown number from Colorado and that the sender wasn't revealing who they were, only that we were in talks here and there.
This of course worsened things, as I couldn't now admit that I was speaking to Nikki. This action created even more trouble.
Eventually things went into hyper drive when the Jaegermeister was introduced. In such a wild drunken stupor I began to recall things differently, and began to get emotional at the responses I was getting from the questions I was now demanding to know the answers to. To start shit with Nikki, or anyone at that point was outright foolish. It was literally this particular action that threw the proverbial shit at the fan.
The night ended terribly to say the least. Even the morning was wrought with misgivings. I knew well the messages I had sent the night previous were now going to worm they're way back to me. The regret of having drunk texted like an idiot was thick enough to cut later on in the week. But it didn't end there, the morning still unclear and still not with all my mental faculties clear, I somehow made things worse by launching further misplaced hostile texts at Nikki, cutting her out, before destroying my phone in a rage.
This was not fair to her as I was acting on rumor. I had literally done what I tried so hard to avoid and in the end became another meddler in that drama.
As the day went on, I got chewed out by Angela for having betrayed her trust and having screwed her over. I failed to consider that she was moving out that way, and that my actions were only making her impending situation a more dire one. The last thing I wanted to do was create more tension for her. It wasn't fair to Angela that my emotionally charged craze would have to cost her too.
It is true I was able to separate myself from that drama, but I did it all wrong, and for reasons as valid as rumor. It was not my intent to fuck Angela over the way I did, and it wasn't my intent to fuel a fire that could've been stopped had I taken a different approach.
It's for this reason now that I write this for posterity sake. I can no longer say what needs saying to the parties involved, but maybe this can absolve Angela of some of the things, and myself of others in regards to Nikki. Insofar as Nikki goes, I hope this note places the only blame I can think she should have in this, that being for having brought me into this through her remark regarding Steve and his slander she made to Julia. She should've considered it would've been looked into if I had come forward. Which I did, with good intentions of trying to curb the rumors on that end by defending her in some capacity.
I do regret having lost a best friend, but I do not like that Angela singlehandedly brought most of my family into a serious scare about me and my sanity because of the one thing I asked her not to share. It is true she asked me not to say anything or do anything regarding what had elapsed the night previous in regards to Nikki, but unbeknownst to her I had already done so then and was lying about some aspects thereafter. That was something lamentably, I could not change even if I wanted to.
And so, these are the events that transpired as they did, to the best of my memory. All parties are guilty of perpetuating this bullshit. It's just how guilty that I botched up. I hope things can be made right to the degree that they should.
We were all guilty in some form. It is lamentable, but the fact remains that I my actions alone worsened everything. I should've minded my own business and I should've not said or done anything with regards to the drama unfolding. That was an internal issue and it needs to be resolved internally.
Although Nikki and I now are at odds. She is still dear to me. She's still very special to me. I honestly wish I knew why. People like us when placed together can create many great things as we once did, as well as nightmarish outcomes as we both experienced in our own company and time. Still though, I would hate to lose her again over something born of heresy and rumor.
If the fates permit it, she'll read this and know that I know I fucked up too.
This is my way of trying to make right. For whatever it is worth.
The date is 2/27/14, the time is 9:03pm.
