The latest in my questionable life

Where to begin?

2020 ended with a resounding wtf as I went full circle again with a very powerful woman named Nikki. I say powerful because she has a natural grasp on my person. It feels sometimes as its part of the great design. I've written about her before, but in a far different capacity once.

She was once a terrible Goddess to me. One who was too human for her own good sometimes. Able to make reality something it wasnt, while I was in her immediate proximity. Able to fuck up badly and yet somehow always remain dear to my heart. Some strange and ancient perception I had of a woman that in all reality I shared a very short yet intense period with.

When I saw her last, time had passed since we became cross with the other. About two years I'd say.
Unrequited love on my end, and who fucking knows what the issue was on her end led to bad screaming match outside her hotel in Santa Clarita. I never knew what the hell she was thinking or really going thru. Rather, I felt I knew what was in her heart of hearts, but she'd be cat like about it; stoic and never breathe any more life than I was into her brand of personal bullshit.

This time, we got back in touch a month or so before we met up at the Hilton, days before Christmas, and about a week before I lost my mind. Again. And due largely of course to her, and now the very real prospect of her declining health becoming noticeable and no longer in the realm of it happening somewhere inside her. The idea I was in fact going to lose the one woman who I always swore up and down if I never saw again it'd be too goddamn soon was now slated to leave the mortal coil. The idea is infuriating as its something I cannot contend with, only prepare for.

She is my sword and I am her scabbard. I love the woman as I much as I hate her, but lord knows we're a pair. For better or worse.

Anyway..., she is shockingly but one part of my woes that befell me at the decades end.
The other would be Jamie Lynne. Gods answer to my hearts longing for a woman who'd be all about me. Come to find out, that level of devotion was not what I imagined, and provided my failure to be more specific about the personality belonging to said dream woman, I happened upon myself once more, in another. All my faults and idiosyncrasies shown at way different magnifications than I cared to notice. What was most prominent almost right away was a high sex drive and a temperament more poor than my own. However, like Nikki, she was also anciently familiar. Her mannerisms took of course some getting used to as I wasnt used to the idea of being slapped for saying something she now found offensive where previously it was not. Nor was I accustomed to her alcoholism which of course at the very beginning was kinda fun as she'd make good jokes and get really into Star Trek: The Next Generation. Soon though the drinking got heavier and the fights began to escalate from her slapping me around thinking it was okay to me outright tossing her across a room after making it very clear I am equal opportunity and will give Man, Woman, Child, Cat, Dog, Deity, etc the same response if they start fucking with me by assaulting me. Things only worsened when I learned that instead of being a liar ( like Nikki was, and masterfully so ) she was insanely jealous of ANY woman, mother included.  All this and and a bag of chips by the end of the first month of dating.

How I managed 56 months with her is beyond me. Maybe it was a fear of being alone again and resuming my mad search for the white horse that fled my care years back. Maybe it was just simpler; lord knows I had a rough time with the women folk. Despite being attractive, my personality was riddled with eccentricity, and it didn't help I had a questionable temperament. I often considered the drunken statement Jamie would make time and again once she hit her fifth beer and was ornery about some bullshit mishap" You'll never do better than me. You should be so thankful a woman of my make would even give you the fucking time of day! " and whether I just believed it from the outset or if it had been accepted thru steady attrition.

I knew deep down I startled or scared off most if not all my romantic interests due solely to my intensity and passion. Save Nikki and Caroline; a veritable angel of a woman who has done nothing but been caring who honestly deserves her own post, most women never really wanted to go out more than twice... and to be honest, when I met Jamie Lynne, she was as I believed then, out of my league. Petite, proportionate, beautiful native american featured face, great rack and a champion ass that could take a beating. Her died neon red hair and light green eyes were especially hypnotizing at one time..

Unfortunately the many ugly things in her, which were reflections of things in me, over time took away from her physical appeal and I think in time she began to notice, and as a result, stop caring. Time did little for us as we basically got used to each other. Fighting became the norm and hard fucking was almost always the fixer. Eventually in time I caught on to that ploy, and naturally the situation only got more complicated. I of course enjoyed getting laid and I enjoyed banging Jamie. It just wasnt the same anymore by the end of the second year of dating.

What to say about our relationship. I had broken up with her at least 16x by the third year.
All the while I somehow managed to meet up with Nikki once a year about three times before things concluded for a couple of years before resuming not 2 months ago. My little meet ups with her always marked a stark contrast with how I could feel versus how I did feel. Not saying Nikki is a walk in the park  by any means. I knew her well enough to know her effects on me were like Whiskey where it was Beer with Jamie. If'n that makes sense to you stupid animals. Eventually the whole Ohio saga began along the end of the third year and this of course will get its own multi part installment.

Anyway with the saga beginning back in mid 2017, I gambled everything in working for a friend in Ohio and decided to just get out of dodge and leave Jamie behind. This decision that I thought would pan out way differently than it actually did set in motion Jamie eventually meeting ne'erdowells in Palmdale and Lancaster and getting sucked into heavy methamphetamine use and eventually heroin. But this only gets mention as I'd rather not discuss it too much since ultimately my inability to pull her out of it these last several months sucked me into smoking meth for a time, which no doubt fucked with my already bad brain.

Regarding that, her meth and heroin addiction got notably worse through the later part of our fifth year together. Ultimately it culminated in my nearly flipping my top and beating her to death for lying to me about smoking heroin when I caught her smoking it on Thanksgiving. The fact that I had suspected for a time and was repeatedly lied to didnt mesh well with the fact that she was now hanging out far too much with her H dealer which of course led me to beleive she was putting out for the drug since lord knew all her money was going to her car payments and her meth use. Through the course of December, as fate would have it, I resumed talks with Nikki, which eventually led us to meet once more.

Around after everything fell apart with Nikki again a day before Christmas, I ended up getting in talks with Jamie whom I had cut out after finding her higher than an eagles nuts on H during Thanksgiving. This of course led to a very short lived reunion where I found myself now torn between Nikki and her new situation and Jamie and her repeated promises of cleaning up and going straight. Days later I would get a call shortly after the New Year that Jamie had been arrested and her vehicle impounded for smoking her drugs in her car in the rich part of Santa Clarita after already juking court and getting a bench warrant issued for her.

These two events in summary led to a meltdown Christmas day. Subsequently I had to go away for a short time to remember who I was and to not lose myself any further to the slings and arrows of life. OH! Totally forgot to mention some important things. For one, I made the mistake of letting people put their finger in my face and tell me I was crazy, or that my confusion spells were getting worse. I made the error of accepting what I was hearing instead of remembering this was who I was and that all I had to do was learn to master my deficiencies instead of letting 'em fuck me up time and again. So as a result I made an even stupider decision and let my mom basically drug me with her Prozac medication which clearly in the long run did me no favors except make me far too agreeable and too complacent. Something that wasnt serving me any purpose in any fashion..

Okay. thats it for pt.1, part 2 no doubt will conclude the rest of the still developing situation with Nikki as well as the latest with a now recovering Jamie.
It is now Tuesday, 12:55am, January 21st.

That doesn't have to be the real you...

I felt I just had to write about this entry from the Batman Black&White graphic novels.

The little series is actually host to a bevy of solid stories.
( Batman Black&White.  Google it )

Anyway in this particular comic, Batman at last corners the man responsible for a series of ultraviolent crimes. To his surprise the man in question is a meek looking personality of frail make.

As he starts to pry into the man, demanding to know what makes him tick, the man interrupts him citing two examples in response. Although Batman fails to understand initially, is later shown reflecting on what the man shares with him.

The man, now in the throes of his transformation, presumably adopting the stronger and meaner of his available personalities, grows physically, both in musculature and height. He now squares up with Batman and attacks him.
( there is also scientific proof that someone with multiple personalities can sometimes change physically when their other personality is foremost in them. Google " Multiple Personality Disorder Physical Changes " ).

Batman's real problem here was that he was actually surprised. The weakly looking man who was pissing his pants when Batman found him, had now just punched him hard enough to physically project him. Whatever hit him couldn't possibly be the same guy he had cornered could it?

The altered man pauses in his escape to speak to Batman once more. Standing high above, Batman is left completely muddled, unable to explain how this guy scaled that height, that quickly.

Anyway, he tells Batman about how multiple personalities can work, IF you know how to let go and let whatever else in. He then calls Batman out, or rather, Batman's actual identity out and has him face an ugly truth before escaping. That ugly truth being that Batman already has some personality issue, being Batman some of the time, and Bruce Wayne the other.

After these events, it's clear Batman unhinges himself mentally, slowly, surely, and in a controlled manner. Knowing Batman, that's probably what he does. What with having seen the results? I'm sure he figure's he already has his foot in the door with this one, he may as well as jimmy it open and walk through right?

" Think about it Batman, that doesn't have to be the real you... "

A time later, as fate has it, the two cross. Batman is on the scene again. The same maniac from before is now present again. They at last cross again, when the Man in all too familiar tone addresses Batman. What Batman says in response, now no longer WHO he used to be either is what tied this whole self contained story up perfectly. Plus it led me to wonder what kind of personality that Batman we only see a brief glimpse of, is like.


" I'm NOT Batman..."

Gallows Pole

Ever listen to that one song; Gallows Pole, by Led Zeppelin?
You know the one where the guy is at the end of the line, imaginably already bound by a noose. His life now resides in that of the hangman who is presumably standing close enough to interact with, and directly affect the man's fate.

He first tells the Hangman to just a wait a little while longer. Tells him words been sent out as to his predicament and that aid would be coming.
He reassures the Hangman that his dear friends are riding posthaste from the horizon, and hopefully with alms to give his would be executioner and purchase his life back from him.

After his friends let him down, telling him they are far too poor to even try saving him from the hand of fate that has now clenched around him, he begs of the Hangman to wait just a little while longer, that of course, his own family would prove his saving grace. Somewhere off in the horizon his brother advances. A little behind him on the horizon his sister also appears, rushing to her brother's aid.

With his brother showing up with a bit of gold and everything else and his own sister even going as far as to sleep with the Hangman, the man begins to really believe he will be let free. What with the gift of riches and the warmth of a woman, how couldn't he be free? How couldn't he believe, hell, even assume he was already free right?

The man now asks of the Hangman if he'd do well to free him. The Hangman only looks on and smiles.

As he prepares to hang the man, he tells him the following
" Your brother brought me silver and your sister warmed me proper, but these are not enough to change my wanting to hang you. "

And so the song finishes with the Hangman laughing as the protagonists body writhes and struggles against a thick rope before finally giving way and snapping at the neck under it's own weight-

I heard this song the other night when I was drinking more than my share of whiskey. I got to thinking about how life can be like this sometimes. Circumstances can change and the results aren't the least bit affected.

Two Cats Dilemma OR a little on Joe Wotz.

It was a Sunday when all this happened...

I'd say all this occured about two weeks ago. I feel its always good to have a time frame for referencing. Incidentally the antagonist in this story wants to do me grievous bodily harm in real life. So should anything happen down the line, this can be used in my favor.

The afternoon was underway. It had to have been around 2:30p when I left the gas station and entered the freeway. ( See out where I live, just passed the hill, down the way is the 14hwy. This connects the dead lands that are Palmdale and Lancaster to Santa Clarita and the rest of the Los Angeles county )

I recall full well when I entered the highway that day, I noticed right away that my side of the freeway was almost totally free of cars. Rather, the entire southbound side of the 14 was bereft of cars. Just myself on that highway...

Myself and this green truck. A ways behind in my wake, resting perpetually on a horizon both the truck and I were maintaining. 

Unbeknownst to me at the time, a bad situation was forming. And it was driving the green truck.

As fate would have it, the lane the truck driver was occupying was the one I had to get into. The lane I was in was the one the green truck was seeking.
Driving down the highway a little further I notice that the green truck is no longer a speck on the distant horizon. It was now pulling up on my vehicle.

Then finally the situation took form. The man in the green truck decided to accelerate when I decided to break. This put us both at eye level and at a more compatible rate of speed.

As a natural reflex, I usually look onto any vehicle and its driver when I feel they are getting to close to mine, while in motion. 

Provided the sudden match up suddenly, the situation clicked into action.

When I looked over, it seemed the timing for disaster couldn't have been planned any better. 

In the neighboring truck, the driver, a man of massive make, with muscular arms and a mean face to boot was also already in the middle of looking at me when I glanced over.

Our eyes locked. Time came crashing to a grinding halt.

I began to see his expression go from one of a man relaxing into his Sunday, to that of a beast recognizing another beast in its part of the forest.

In retrospect, I still wonder how many seconds actually passed as we looked at each other. I knew who he was RIGHT AWAY ( Being the physically less superior of the two, knowledge of the mans build and power is keen information. Especially when you stand 5'6 and your potential opponent stands close to 6ft and has 60 lbs or so over you. ).

I could easily discern, even with my shoddy eyes that he in fact did recognize me, but had not yet placed a face to a name to a reputation. Yet.

About Joe-
One thing about this feller Joe ( thats his actual first name, but we wont share anything more ) is that what he lacks in brains he has exponentially in brawn.

I am also strong, but I've limitations as I am. 
I do not put in enough time into increasing my total power, although I do put time into increasing the available strength I have access to. 
(I'm what some of you in the know call heavyhanded, or, a bruiser. I can take a punch too, but it doesn't mean I seek it.. )

This cat Joe seems to be inverse, being physically bigger and most likely with a different musculature, he HAS put lots of time into increasing his total power. I'm sure the mans got some mean strength too, he looks like he could put a few grown men in the hospital, and easily. 

I on the other hand do not look dangerous. This has worked out in my favor time and again ( Let it be known that underestimating a man has led many to a quick defeat. Image is not what wins. It's heart. ).

I mean if you put us next to each other, the man dwarfs me. I just happen to have a bigger dick. ( true story, the redheaded rattlesnake Nik told me so. On multiple occasions when she was cheating on Joe with me. Just sayin... ). 

If the cards were dealt someday and we ended up crossing, this time however, in person and not in moving vehicles, I'd have to recall anything to give me some sort of mental edge. Knowing that I'm shorter than him and got more in the pants may be that edge. Who knows- Hell, I'd resort to using a tire iron, or my belt, or my teeth to win. I'd like to share what he promised he'd do to me someday but then I think it better not. No point in breathing more life into those wild claims...

I've gotten into several fights in my life, but very few have been with bigger people. 

I've never fought a bigger and stronger person though. At least not like him. 
I know I will in time, as life is long and my personality when I'm drunk and depressed tends to bring me more trouble that I care to deal with.

Of all the people I could've made a life long enemy of, it just had to be the program man ( term for a man who goes in and out of prison. Constantly. ). According to him I ruined his life and that makes me a dead man. That eventually, someday, it would be him that was going to end me, not old age, not disease, not some maniac woman I brought over to my apartment after ignoring red flags, NO, it'd be him.
For this to make a little more sense, let's delve into WHY the man has it out for me...

The actual issue here is, I used to bang this man's wife almost daily at one point. About 3/4 years back I believe. Although they had some odd relationship, and I mean odd, he took it to heart when he found out.

Instead of correcting her or at least trying to find out why she was resorting to cheating, and using that as a wake up call to get his act together ( I could talk shit about the man, but I've done him enough harm... ), he made it his life's mission to find me and beat me within inches of mine. And then kill me. Hopefully...
Mind you, I am in complete agreement with him.
If I was ever made a cuckold of, I'd have to kick the guys ass ( as a point of principle! ). Then I'd have to ring my woman's neck- ( random fact: The kinds of women I'm into and go for tend to be bigger head cases than I, usually with some sordid personal history or family history. So of course being disloyal that way is more likely as well )


Anyway, back to our story here-

There we were looking at each other. I swear all I could hear was heartbeat, oh and the wheels on the highway. Maybe I could hear his heart too, hard to say now-

It was probably when he slammed on his breaks and angled to the right, ending just behind me that he realized I was in fact Jerico, or Dead Man! as he so lovingly used to refer to me. Way back when he'd call me drunk or text me to issue his weekly death threat consisting of acts to be done to me, imaginable only in some part of hell. I'm sure.

Suddenly I had my heart in my throat.
What I was seeing in the rear view mirror was reality. And reality was accelerating with all 8 cylinders.

Although I only noticed it for a moment, I swear to God I did see some white tire smoke lingering off the sides as it sprang from a break and change in direction to a sudden complete acceleration.

Now what I lack in the realm of physical superiority, I make up for quick thinking and quicker acting. One of my few saving graces.

As I tried not to stare in horror at my rearview mirror, I too had slammed on my accelerator. Pushing my 4 cylinder chariot to the red zone. The size of truck suddenly decreasing, even if slightly, and for a moment before beginning to catch up. The car itself now began to make a wild shaking sound. My poor chariot I thought ( Honda 93 ). Just behind me, the vehicle was practically on my vehicle. I realized that even if I wanted to pull over, I wouldn't be able to.

Was he planning to run me off the road? What was he trying to do? Why hadn't he slammed into the back of my vehicle yet? He clearly could. Why is he maintaining a fixed distance now?

Even I knew I couldn't maintain the engine's full power for longer than say 10 seconds without causing expensive damage to the transmission. But I might have to I figured. Looking back at the rearview mirror I saw that the truck had slowed considerably. It was no longer on the ass of my car. As I glanced up again into the rearview mirror, I could see he was getting a little closer. 

His muscular arm was now out the window pointing at me. For reasons unknown the finger pointing just added to the bad stuff I was feeling.


With my car approaching its death throes as I sped on in the red part of the gauge, the distance was still increasing between us. Could it be his car had suffered some divinely sent ailment that needed fixing like coolant refill or oil check?  As I pondered these things I felt it better to take it out of high gear. An exit was coming up just up ahead and and if I could play it right, I could get him away from me.

Now that an exit was approaching in the neighboring lane, just 3/4 of a mile down the road, I jimmied on over into the right most lane and sped on. The truck maintained its distance behind me without fail.

As the exit approached, say 1/2 mile I suddenly felt a hard impact. This caused my vehicle to skid a little before screeching back into position. I looked into the rearview in what felt like a daze and saw that he was on my ass again. Despite having bad eyes I could TOTALLY feel the killing intention from his eyes in my rearview.  It was uncanny.

It wasn't till I thought about it later that I realized he had only slowed down a bit to develop more push on the acceleration. He was trying to get me off the road, or to the side of the road at least.

With the exit coming up, I focused on the divider ahead. What I was about to do would either get me back on the 14S away from Joe, or slam me along the divider on either end, leaving me in a bad spot, or worse if Joe pulled over to finish the job.

I put the car in high gear, slammed left on the steering wheel, slammed the e-brake up and then slammed it down when the car had jumped enough in the angle I was gambling on and then slammed on the accelerator. Suddenly my car jumped left and cut along the divider by a hairs breadth. Although I eventually pulled over and sat from getting all dizzy, I did manage to evade what was coming for me. It'll be back I'm sure, but for now I live yet.

I took a random freeway from there instead of the intended one and arrived to work a little late. The entire day I wondered about the many outcomes our belated, and albeit fated encounter would've presented.

In one reality he would've ran me off the road, or into the divider if I had planned it any differently. He woulda pulled over and sauntered over casually with a bat in hand to finish the job as I crawled out of my totaled vehicle hanging onto life by a thread.

In another, he would've fishtailed me and my vehicle would've rolled a long ways, killing me in the process. If I were so lucky that is..

Or, he would've caused me to pull over somehow and pummeled me into dogmeat. Hopefully not fulfilling the more sordid things he promised he was going to do to me when he did get his hands on me.

Two Cats:
I called this the two cats dilemma because as it was, as per what Nikki has/had to say, Joe and I were not that different. I just happened to be very intelligent, but temper and mental make wise, we were identical.

I mean to say, ever hear of the two cats problem?
Put a cat and dog together and one will be better. This is nature. Put two of the same ( like cats in this case ) and you may have a problem. They are too much alike and problems arise from this-

Written on 8/24/14
Ready for submission soon i thinks..