Where to begin?
2020 ended with a resounding wtf as I went full circle again with a very powerful woman named Nikki. I say powerful because she has a natural grasp on my person. It feels sometimes as its part of the great design. I've written about her before, but in a far different capacity once.
She was once a terrible Goddess to me. One who was too human for her own good sometimes. Able to make reality something it wasnt, while I was in her immediate proximity. Able to fuck up badly and yet somehow always remain dear to my heart. Some strange and ancient perception I had of a woman that in all reality I shared a very short yet intense period with.
When I saw her last, time had passed since we became cross with the other. About two years I'd say.
Unrequited love on my end, and who fucking knows what the issue was on her end led to bad screaming match outside her hotel in Santa Clarita. I never knew what the hell she was thinking or really going thru. Rather, I felt I knew what was in her heart of hearts, but she'd be cat like about it; stoic and never breathe any more life than I was into her brand of personal bullshit.
This time, we got back in touch a month or so before we met up at the Hilton, days before Christmas, and about a week before I lost my mind. Again. And due largely of course to her, and now the very real prospect of her declining health becoming noticeable and no longer in the realm of it happening somewhere inside her. The idea I was in fact going to lose the one woman who I always swore up and down if I never saw again it'd be too goddamn soon was now slated to leave the mortal coil. The idea is infuriating as its something I cannot contend with, only prepare for.
She is my sword and I am her scabbard. I love the woman as I much as I hate her, but lord knows we're a pair. For better or worse.
Anyway..., she is shockingly but one part of my woes that befell me at the decades end.
The other would be Jamie Lynne. Gods answer to my hearts longing for a woman who'd be all about me. Come to find out, that level of devotion was not what I imagined, and provided my failure to be more specific about the personality belonging to said dream woman, I happened upon myself once more, in another. All my faults and idiosyncrasies shown at way different magnifications than I cared to notice. What was most prominent almost right away was a high sex drive and a temperament more poor than my own. However, like Nikki, she was also anciently familiar. Her mannerisms took of course some getting used to as I wasnt used to the idea of being slapped for saying something she now found offensive where previously it was not. Nor was I accustomed to her alcoholism which of course at the very beginning was kinda fun as she'd make good jokes and get really into Star Trek: The Next Generation. Soon though the drinking got heavier and the fights began to escalate from her slapping me around thinking it was okay to me outright tossing her across a room after making it very clear I am equal opportunity and will give Man, Woman, Child, Cat, Dog, Deity, etc the same response if they start fucking with me by assaulting me. Things only worsened when I learned that instead of being a liar ( like Nikki was, and masterfully so ) she was insanely jealous of ANY woman, mother included. All this and and a bag of chips by the end of the first month of dating.
How I managed 56 months with her is beyond me. Maybe it was a fear of being alone again and resuming my mad search for the white horse that fled my care years back. Maybe it was just simpler; lord knows I had a rough time with the women folk. Despite being attractive, my personality was riddled with eccentricity, and it didn't help I had a questionable temperament. I often considered the drunken statement Jamie would make time and again once she hit her fifth beer and was ornery about some bullshit mishap" You'll never do better than me. You should be so thankful a woman of my make would even give you the fucking time of day! " and whether I just believed it from the outset or if it had been accepted thru steady attrition.
I knew deep down I startled or scared off most if not all my romantic interests due solely to my intensity and passion. Save Nikki and Caroline; a veritable angel of a woman who has done nothing but been caring who honestly deserves her own post, most women never really wanted to go out more than twice... and to be honest, when I met Jamie Lynne, she was as I believed then, out of my league. Petite, proportionate, beautiful native american featured face, great rack and a champion ass that could take a beating. Her died neon red hair and light green eyes were especially hypnotizing at one time..
Unfortunately the many ugly things in her, which were reflections of things in me, over time took away from her physical appeal and I think in time she began to notice, and as a result, stop caring. Time did little for us as we basically got used to each other. Fighting became the norm and hard fucking was almost always the fixer. Eventually in time I caught on to that ploy, and naturally the situation only got more complicated. I of course enjoyed getting laid and I enjoyed banging Jamie. It just wasnt the same anymore by the end of the second year of dating.
What to say about our relationship. I had broken up with her at least 16x by the third year.
All the while I somehow managed to meet up with Nikki once a year about three times before things concluded for a couple of years before resuming not 2 months ago. My little meet ups with her always marked a stark contrast with how I could feel versus how I did feel. Not saying Nikki is a walk in the park by any means. I knew her well enough to know her effects on me were like Whiskey where it was Beer with Jamie. If'n that makes sense to you stupid animals. Eventually the whole Ohio saga began along the end of the third year and this of course will get its own multi part installment.
Anyway with the saga beginning back in mid 2017, I gambled everything in working for a friend in Ohio and decided to just get out of dodge and leave Jamie behind. This decision that I thought would pan out way differently than it actually did set in motion Jamie eventually meeting ne'erdowells in Palmdale and Lancaster and getting sucked into heavy methamphetamine use and eventually heroin. But this only gets mention as I'd rather not discuss it too much since ultimately my inability to pull her out of it these last several months sucked me into smoking meth for a time, which no doubt fucked with my already bad brain.
Regarding that, her meth and heroin addiction got notably worse through the later part of our fifth year together. Ultimately it culminated in my nearly flipping my top and beating her to death for lying to me about smoking heroin when I caught her smoking it on Thanksgiving. The fact that I had suspected for a time and was repeatedly lied to didnt mesh well with the fact that she was now hanging out far too much with her H dealer which of course led me to beleive she was putting out for the drug since lord knew all her money was going to her car payments and her meth use. Through the course of December, as fate would have it, I resumed talks with Nikki, which eventually led us to meet once more.
Around after everything fell apart with Nikki again a day before Christmas, I ended up getting in talks with Jamie whom I had cut out after finding her higher than an eagles nuts on H during Thanksgiving. This of course led to a very short lived reunion where I found myself now torn between Nikki and her new situation and Jamie and her repeated promises of cleaning up and going straight. Days later I would get a call shortly after the New Year that Jamie had been arrested and her vehicle impounded for smoking her drugs in her car in the rich part of Santa Clarita after already juking court and getting a bench warrant issued for her.
These two events in summary led to a meltdown Christmas day. Subsequently I had to go away for a short time to remember who I was and to not lose myself any further to the slings and arrows of life. OH! Totally forgot to mention some important things. For one, I made the mistake of letting people put their finger in my face and tell me I was crazy, or that my confusion spells were getting worse. I made the error of accepting what I was hearing instead of remembering this was who I was and that all I had to do was learn to master my deficiencies instead of letting 'em fuck me up time and again. So as a result I made an even stupider decision and let my mom basically drug me with her Prozac medication which clearly in the long run did me no favors except make me far too agreeable and too complacent. Something that wasnt serving me any purpose in any fashion..
Okay. thats it for pt.1, part 2 no doubt will conclude the rest of the still developing situation with Nikki as well as the latest with a now recovering Jamie.
It is now Tuesday, 12:55am, January 21st.
2020 ended with a resounding wtf as I went full circle again with a very powerful woman named Nikki. I say powerful because she has a natural grasp on my person. It feels sometimes as its part of the great design. I've written about her before, but in a far different capacity once.
She was once a terrible Goddess to me. One who was too human for her own good sometimes. Able to make reality something it wasnt, while I was in her immediate proximity. Able to fuck up badly and yet somehow always remain dear to my heart. Some strange and ancient perception I had of a woman that in all reality I shared a very short yet intense period with.
When I saw her last, time had passed since we became cross with the other. About two years I'd say.
Unrequited love on my end, and who fucking knows what the issue was on her end led to bad screaming match outside her hotel in Santa Clarita. I never knew what the hell she was thinking or really going thru. Rather, I felt I knew what was in her heart of hearts, but she'd be cat like about it; stoic and never breathe any more life than I was into her brand of personal bullshit.
This time, we got back in touch a month or so before we met up at the Hilton, days before Christmas, and about a week before I lost my mind. Again. And due largely of course to her, and now the very real prospect of her declining health becoming noticeable and no longer in the realm of it happening somewhere inside her. The idea I was in fact going to lose the one woman who I always swore up and down if I never saw again it'd be too goddamn soon was now slated to leave the mortal coil. The idea is infuriating as its something I cannot contend with, only prepare for.
She is my sword and I am her scabbard. I love the woman as I much as I hate her, but lord knows we're a pair. For better or worse.
Anyway..., she is shockingly but one part of my woes that befell me at the decades end.
The other would be Jamie Lynne. Gods answer to my hearts longing for a woman who'd be all about me. Come to find out, that level of devotion was not what I imagined, and provided my failure to be more specific about the personality belonging to said dream woman, I happened upon myself once more, in another. All my faults and idiosyncrasies shown at way different magnifications than I cared to notice. What was most prominent almost right away was a high sex drive and a temperament more poor than my own. However, like Nikki, she was also anciently familiar. Her mannerisms took of course some getting used to as I wasnt used to the idea of being slapped for saying something she now found offensive where previously it was not. Nor was I accustomed to her alcoholism which of course at the very beginning was kinda fun as she'd make good jokes and get really into Star Trek: The Next Generation. Soon though the drinking got heavier and the fights began to escalate from her slapping me around thinking it was okay to me outright tossing her across a room after making it very clear I am equal opportunity and will give Man, Woman, Child, Cat, Dog, Deity, etc the same response if they start fucking with me by assaulting me. Things only worsened when I learned that instead of being a liar ( like Nikki was, and masterfully so ) she was insanely jealous of ANY woman, mother included. All this and and a bag of chips by the end of the first month of dating.
How I managed 56 months with her is beyond me. Maybe it was a fear of being alone again and resuming my mad search for the white horse that fled my care years back. Maybe it was just simpler; lord knows I had a rough time with the women folk. Despite being attractive, my personality was riddled with eccentricity, and it didn't help I had a questionable temperament. I often considered the drunken statement Jamie would make time and again once she hit her fifth beer and was ornery about some bullshit mishap" You'll never do better than me. You should be so thankful a woman of my make would even give you the fucking time of day! " and whether I just believed it from the outset or if it had been accepted thru steady attrition.
I knew deep down I startled or scared off most if not all my romantic interests due solely to my intensity and passion. Save Nikki and Caroline; a veritable angel of a woman who has done nothing but been caring who honestly deserves her own post, most women never really wanted to go out more than twice... and to be honest, when I met Jamie Lynne, she was as I believed then, out of my league. Petite, proportionate, beautiful native american featured face, great rack and a champion ass that could take a beating. Her died neon red hair and light green eyes were especially hypnotizing at one time..
Unfortunately the many ugly things in her, which were reflections of things in me, over time took away from her physical appeal and I think in time she began to notice, and as a result, stop caring. Time did little for us as we basically got used to each other. Fighting became the norm and hard fucking was almost always the fixer. Eventually in time I caught on to that ploy, and naturally the situation only got more complicated. I of course enjoyed getting laid and I enjoyed banging Jamie. It just wasnt the same anymore by the end of the second year of dating.
What to say about our relationship. I had broken up with her at least 16x by the third year.
All the while I somehow managed to meet up with Nikki once a year about three times before things concluded for a couple of years before resuming not 2 months ago. My little meet ups with her always marked a stark contrast with how I could feel versus how I did feel. Not saying Nikki is a walk in the park by any means. I knew her well enough to know her effects on me were like Whiskey where it was Beer with Jamie. If'n that makes sense to you stupid animals. Eventually the whole Ohio saga began along the end of the third year and this of course will get its own multi part installment.
Anyway with the saga beginning back in mid 2017, I gambled everything in working for a friend in Ohio and decided to just get out of dodge and leave Jamie behind. This decision that I thought would pan out way differently than it actually did set in motion Jamie eventually meeting ne'erdowells in Palmdale and Lancaster and getting sucked into heavy methamphetamine use and eventually heroin. But this only gets mention as I'd rather not discuss it too much since ultimately my inability to pull her out of it these last several months sucked me into smoking meth for a time, which no doubt fucked with my already bad brain.
Regarding that, her meth and heroin addiction got notably worse through the later part of our fifth year together. Ultimately it culminated in my nearly flipping my top and beating her to death for lying to me about smoking heroin when I caught her smoking it on Thanksgiving. The fact that I had suspected for a time and was repeatedly lied to didnt mesh well with the fact that she was now hanging out far too much with her H dealer which of course led me to beleive she was putting out for the drug since lord knew all her money was going to her car payments and her meth use. Through the course of December, as fate would have it, I resumed talks with Nikki, which eventually led us to meet once more.
Around after everything fell apart with Nikki again a day before Christmas, I ended up getting in talks with Jamie whom I had cut out after finding her higher than an eagles nuts on H during Thanksgiving. This of course led to a very short lived reunion where I found myself now torn between Nikki and her new situation and Jamie and her repeated promises of cleaning up and going straight. Days later I would get a call shortly after the New Year that Jamie had been arrested and her vehicle impounded for smoking her drugs in her car in the rich part of Santa Clarita after already juking court and getting a bench warrant issued for her.
These two events in summary led to a meltdown Christmas day. Subsequently I had to go away for a short time to remember who I was and to not lose myself any further to the slings and arrows of life. OH! Totally forgot to mention some important things. For one, I made the mistake of letting people put their finger in my face and tell me I was crazy, or that my confusion spells were getting worse. I made the error of accepting what I was hearing instead of remembering this was who I was and that all I had to do was learn to master my deficiencies instead of letting 'em fuck me up time and again. So as a result I made an even stupider decision and let my mom basically drug me with her Prozac medication which clearly in the long run did me no favors except make me far too agreeable and too complacent. Something that wasnt serving me any purpose in any fashion..
Okay. thats it for pt.1, part 2 no doubt will conclude the rest of the still developing situation with Nikki as well as the latest with a now recovering Jamie.
It is now Tuesday, 12:55am, January 21st.
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